The Five Rules of Panto by Mark 'Oh No You Don't' Brown

Summary

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1. Dress to impress It's the festive season, so it's time to make the contestants on Strictly Come Dancing look under-dressed. Take a man who used to present Scotsport, say, or maybe a classically trained actor, and get him up like he's been dragged backwards through the late Danny La Rue's wardrobe. Let's admit it, we only pretend pantomimes are for the kids. As my very heterosexual grandfather opined leaving the Glasgow King's many years ago: "That Stanley Baxter's got great legs for a man."

2. Get them on their feet It doesn't matter whether you "bring doon the cloot" ( la Glasgow King's) or "wiggle oot the words" (as at the Tron), it's not panto without a bit of audience participation. Love it or loathe it, you can't deny that an entire audience belting out a silly song has the inestimable bene" t of drowning out the singing of certain big-name stars. And remember, as they say at the Tron, "if you don't stand up and take part, Gerard Kelly will pop out from under your seat and tickle your bum with a feather."

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The Five Rules of Panto by Mark 'Oh No You Don't' Brown

3. Keep it clean(ish) There's always a spectrum of vulgarity across the range of ...

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